Willful

I was told yesterday that I was "willful"... and the thought did not leave my mind the entire day, even took it to the Chapel last night. I prayed that I would be less willful, even got teary eyed saying I am sorry I am willful.

I decided to take a survey of friends and family... flat out asked them...do you think I am willful? After they were finished laughing the majority said... you willful.. you... that is your middle name... Now I thought wow... who knew I was throwing out such an impression to everyone...

So I decide to think back on being willful... had to first start with definition of willful... so I went to an online definition.... it stated this : Willful...1) to be headstrong... okay I think that is me...2) to be forward... okay that is really not me, I live in the woods, and am basically shy... only animated when it comes to God.... 3) self-willed... definitely not me, I will give you flak in the beginning.. I will think about it and give in...4) disobedient..??? If one means to rightful authority no I am not disobedient... if one means to do something that is wrong (such as following orders, when it means destruction, to another or yourself)... yes I can and will be disobedient...

Willful....???... are we meant to be willful on some level and is it to the glory of God that we are such... is our lives a constant struggle of will??... I think so... I do not think one can say ...I have given my will to God and that is it... I think it is a moment to moment thing.. every decision made is done within the will/ the ego... the struggle between the soul and the body... To "be of the will of God" is very hard, it takes a lot of work and time... you have to literally think God always... one has to analysis their own actions, what motivates one's personal behavior...

I do not think one can say in truth ... that they have completely given themselves over to the will of God... for that would be perfection here on earth, and we are fallen by nature, our humanity is always going to trip us up. To think we are "bullet proof" spiritual, is to have an issue with why Jesus came to earth in the first place, to save us. It was Jesus who said we are all fallen, all sinners...

So yes I am willfully... working on it though, in every action, word and deed trying to submit to the will of the Father... not always successful... But that is okay, then I go to the Savior of the World, tell him once again I messed up, can you help me out...

Jesus, always helps you out, especially with us willful folks in the world... come on I know you are out there, it is okay... just try to do better... Listen to that ,"small- still- voice", within, it is the gentle urge of the Holy Spirit to lay down your will and pick up God's...