I have nothing...

yet in God I have it all

How it happened... for nearly 20 years I have been having, "unusual and profound spiritual experiences", so at long last I decided to take all of this to the church, (it does not take me long to do things, just 20 years or so). Yes, I made an appointment to go see the "person" in charge of these things in church. Now, I must say I was very nervous to say the least to do this. Here is this "man" who is highly educated, a pillar of the church, sitting across from me in his office and I am about to tell him, I have been having "encounters with God". As I sit there I think why did I do this, man oh man, this guy is going to blow me out of the water, my next thought maybe I can just say, oh I am sorry, I changed my mind, I do not want to talk about this and leave. But no something motivated me to come here, I was there and I was going to speak, I needed to know.

So, I began my story and this man seated across from me gave me direct eye contact, and his full attention, within his eyes I saw something, I saw the presence of Jesus there. In my "seeing" this in the eyes of this man, it was easier for me to speak with him.

All during the time I spoke with him, he did not flinch or comment, he just listened, (I think if it were me, I would have said, okay thank you but I forgot, I have another appointment, I can see you again, the day after never). This man did not rush me, but sat there and listened quietly to all I had to say, he asked to read some of the things I had brought with me, and he referred me to another man in the church, who might be able to help me. This "pillar" of the church, I found on this day was even more so , he was a pillar of a man in his kindness to me.

Next, I made an "appointment" to see the "new" person who was to help me in these things, I must say he was a reluctant debutant at this event, even asking me a few times, are you sure you got the right name, that it was him I needed to speak to... I assured him this was so...

So once again, I found myself sitting across from another stranger, telling him things most would never tell others, especially within the church.

He too was kind and listen and over a period of time offered me great guidance and help in these matters.

Among the questions I was asked, do you have any degrees or education in religion, theology or philosophy ... my answer no, I never made it through college, indeed I was a solid D or C student throughout my schooling, and I am dyslexic, I do not have the capacities to learn as others do. I can learn through verbal communication, not through reading, my comprehension is not there. Nor do I have writing abilities, yet I am doing so now in a grand way. I written over the years when it came to things of God, family, and children (as if with these things I am given the abilities, which I normally cannot do, as if I have knowledge on loan), other then that I can not formulate and write thoughts well. I have no education, no skills in any subject matter, no writing skills, nor abilities to know things that many of these writings contain. Yet my mind seems to be on fire with thoughts about God, creation, people and purpose.

I did not come from a religious home, I do not read the Bible for the most part, I do hear it in church, I do not read about Saints, yet when I "need" to know a Bible quote it comes to me, it is just there in my mind.

My personality is one of seclusion preferring to remain out of the fray of society, always afraid of public speaking, preferring to fail a class in school, then to stand up and do public speaking. Yet I have stood before audiences of 700 people in the past to speak of God without fear.

People say I am graced, I do not feel it, I feel the struggle within, the body versus the soul, wanting God, tempted by the world. My life has been and is very hard, yet there is a deep peace within.

I do remember I always had love, hope, desire to help others and lots of energy and laughter within... not things that are marketable among men...

Truly ... I have nothing... no educational gifts... no skills... no abilities... no monetary means... nothing... I have nothing... it is in this nothing that I have found God... in this meaningless life that is mine, he seems to take glory in... as I am brushed off by others as they continue on their way, this God stops and tells me he is here and he will walk me along the way. This is why I write to you now... this is why I went to the "pillar or the church", to tell him and you that God is real, and for those who like me are brushed off along the way, God is there and he will walk with you.